Disclaimer:

Of course, these characters (except for my copyrighted creation, Professor Smythe) are J.K. Rowling's and belong entirely to her and to her rightful agents and assignees. I am making no money from this endeavor and I intend no copyright or trademark infringement(s) upon her rights.

This story (and Professor Smythe, my own creation) is copyrighted and is intended for personal distribution only. Any other distribution is prohibited without the author's explicit consent.

AuthorТs Notes:

Thanks to my betas ЧЧ Mincot of the Werewolf Registy & Sugar Quill and Zsenya of Sugar Quill, and to my husband. Thanks to Grindylowe of the Diagon Alley website, and thanks to all who participated in that long-ago funny thread, for inspiring me to write this bit of fluff.

The Short Straw

The entire staff of Hogwarts is assembled in the Staff Lounge for a beginning-of-the-year Staff Meeting. The meeting has yet to be called to order, although everyone seems to be already present. Idle chat consists of such things summer holidays, the weather, any possible new changes in the curricula and/or the staff, and ... who the unlucky ones [a male and a female staff member] will be who will teach the Fifth Years the dreaded Sex Education lesson.

Dumbledore, seated at the head of the long conference table, cleared his throat.

"Good afternoon, everyone. It's lovely to see you all once again." He looked around the room, smiling benevolently.

"You all look so healthy, and wonderful!"

A chorus of "Good afternoons" and "Good days" sounded.

Dumbledore continued, "Of course, as you all can already see, Remus Lupin will once again be joining us to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts." He noded to Lupin with a smile.

There were general murmurs of "hellos" and other greetings. The darkest muttering came from Snape.

"And... we will have a new Muggle Studies professor this year," Dumbledore said, ignoring the puzzled expressions on his facutly's faces as everyone looked around the room and saw no one new. "Professor Smythe is not yet here. She will arrive later today. Her airplane flight was held up."

Muttering began again, as Dumbledore continued to speak. "Yes, Professor Smythe is herself a Muggle. I have made special arrangements for her to reach Hogwarts."

"And why, Headmaster," said Snape, with a sneer, "did you and the Board of Governors decide that having a Muggle professor here ЧЧ especially in light of the fact that this year is likely to be crucial in the... err... struggle... against Voldemort ЧЧ would be a good idea?"

Everyone except for Dumbledore and Lupin gasped at the blatant mention of Voldemort's name.

Dumbledore looked sternly at the group and then replied, "Well, Severus... It has been my contention for years that a Muggle would be the best person to teach the students ЧЧ and we adults, too ЧЧ about Muggles. Professor Smythe has taught Muggle Studies in two American wizarding schools and one in Italy. She is familiar with wizarding ways, and she has lived in the UK for most of her life, although she has spent long stretches of time in the United States and in Italy."

Flitwick asked, "So, Albus... is Professor Smythe British?"

"Her father is English, her mother American. She was raised here, primarily."

Snape was heard to mutter something unkind about the woman, and Dumbledore glared at him. After a general babble ensued for a while, the Headmaster steered the meeting back on course. and it continued.

*~*~*~ *~*~*~ *~*~*~

The staff Meeting droned on... and on... and on... and on... and on... Finally, everything about the school year had been discussed, refined, minutely examined, argued over, and either resolved or tabled until next time. Everything, that was, except for one little decision.

Suddenly, everyone looked rather nervous, knowing what was left to decide. McGonagall fiddled with a sheaf of papers before her on the table. Flitwick kept shifting edgily in his chair. Sprout frowned uncharacteristically, looking as though she had resolved to say something, perhaps despite her better instincts. Lupin looked about, his eyes darting this way and that, quite unlike his usual unflappable demeanor. Snape, equally uncharacteristically stared stonily at the floor, refusing to look at anyone directly, and maintaining silence. Pomfrey merely smiled warily as she glanced about at the others.

Dumbldore was saying, "Now that we've finished business... except, of course, for the little ЧЧ ahem ЧЧ business of who will be teaching the Fifth Years their Sex Education lessons this year. Since we try to divide the honours fairly, that means ..." He opened his hand, and displayed a fistful of straws. One of them was markedly shorter than the others."

Groans sounded all around the room, drowning out whatever else the Headmaster had to say.

Sprout snapped, "I still think that you should take your fair share of chance at drawing straws ЧЧ and of teaching that particular class, Albus!" Her tone was indignant.

Others made sounds of agreement (and grumbling) around the table, and many nodded their heads, approvingly.

Dumbledore said, his tone mild but containing just a hint of reproof, "It's not as if I haven't done so ЧЧ many, many more times than the rest of you have, over the years, you know."

Several of the staff sighed loudly. They had all heard this many times before.

Flitwick said, in a chirpy voice and with a grin, "Why not have the newest professor... Smythe, I believe her name was... teach Sex Education this year?"

Everyone laughed at the suggestion. A Muggle teaching the students Sex Education?! Many thought that she might not last the term, if she had to do that!

A sly expression came over Snape's face.

"That's a fine idea, Filius," Snape said in his silkiest voice, causing everyone to snap to attention. "The newest female professor teaches the girls... and the newest male professor ЧЧ who I do believe would be Lupin ЧЧ teaches the boys!"

The rest of the staff, momentarily surprised, saw their only chance at avoiding the possibility of having to teach this hated class this year, and they all began to nod vigorously, chiming in with a chorus of agreement.

"Yes, what a grand idea, Severus".

"Oh, Severus, that's an excellent suggestion!"

"After all, it's only right that the newest professors must teach it..."

Snape sat back, and smirked, fully satisfied. He knew that he'd come up with an idea that everyone would push for, despite it having come from himself, and despite the dislike the rest of the staff held for him. He was also quite proud of the Slytherin manner in which he'd handled the affair.

Lupin shook his head, and said, straight-faced and soberly, "Oh, I must disagree: I think that the job would be better managed by those of more experience. Don't you?" He paused and added, "Furthermore, I'm not a new teacher here, Severus!"

Every one of the male professors looked at each other, uncertain.

"I recommend listening more carefully, Lupin, it will help you in so many ways." Snape's voice was scathing. "I did not say that you were new this year, but that you are the NEWEST male professor." Triumph gleamed in the obsidian depths of his eyes. "Having taught here two years ago has no bearing on the fact that there have been no other male professors hired since you who remain on the staff."

The rest of the male staff, except for the headmaster, began to nod in agreement. Lupin looked quite chagrined.

Dumbledore, looking looking pensive, finally spoke. "Hmm... I thought that we might try something a bit different this year, insofar as trying a new method of deciding who teaches Sex Education."

Snape looked hopeful. In fact, ALL of the teachers looked hopeful. All except for Lupin, who was beginning to look more and more resigned.

Dumbledore said, "I thought that it might be a good idea for one teacher to teach both the boys and the girls, so that she or he might combine..." His voice was drowned out by the outraged protests of all the teachers.

"Surely, you don't expect ME to stand before an entire class of girls and boys, and teach them all about SEX, Albus! Are you mad?!!"

"Have the children taught all about sex by a teacher of the opposite gender?!!"

"Do you really think that the Board of Governors will allow such a thing???"

"Never mind the Board of Governors... what about the parents!!!"

Dumbledore waited for the hubbub to subside before he cleared his throat and spoke again.

"The Board of Governors has already approved my plan. The idea is that the students will learn not only about themselves, but also about the other gender. This new class is designed to promote a better understanding of the opposite sex as well as of students' own bodies and selves."

McGonagall, looking horrified, exclaimed, "Albus, does this mean that one of us must teach the entire class alone?! Or will there be a male and a female professor working jointly on this class?" She looked shaken, as did every other teacher sitting at the table.

"We will ALL draw straws ЧЧ all but Professor Smythe, who is not here, that is ЧЧ and the one who draws the short straw will teach the new class. Actually, it will be two classes: one with the combined girls and boys of Gryffindor and Slytherin, and one with the combined girls and boys of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff."

"Oh, Gods," someone muttered, "Someone must go through this twice, then?"

Someone else said, "Better than having two of us go through it once each, I say!"

Sprout asked sharply, "Do you mean to say that you, too, Albus, will draw straws with the rest of us this year?"

Dumbledore, somewhat resigned, said, "Yes, I, too, will draw this year."

Dumbledore held out a fistful of straws in his right hand.

"All of you will draw first, and I will take the last straw... Who will come forward first?" He waited expectantly.

With great trepidation, they all came forward, one by one, and drew a straw.

Sprout, beaming with joy, shouted, "YES! I drew a long straw!" She happily held it up for all to see.

Flitwick, sighing deeply, said, "Might as well get this over with..." He drew a long straw, and held it up, relieved.

"Oh, lovely!" he squeaked, his mutton-chop whiskers trembling in relief, "I also drew a long straw! See it?"

Vector and Trelawney step up to draw straws at the same moment.

Vector said, "You first, Sibyll..." and motioned with a wave of her hand to Trelawney, who was apparently trying to remain serene, but was betrayed by the rapid twitching of the corner of her left eye and the faint trembling of her glasses; the latter produced a glimmer that could be seen across the room.

Trelawney said, "Thank you..." She drew a straw. A long straw.

"OH! I KNEW I'd draw a long straw..." she twittered, moving off blissfully.

Vector shrugged and said, "Mathematically, the odds are still with me," and, after a moment's hesitation, drew a straw, and looked at it.

"Oh, good!" Vector showed a long straw and then placed it on the table.

Finally, only Lupin and Snape were left. Both stepped up to Dumbledore at the same time. Lupin's face showed amusement, but Snape's betrayed great dread...

"Would you care to draw first, Severus?" Lupin asked politely, "I truly don't mind..."

Snape growled. "Spare me your infinite wearying politeness, Lupin. JUST DRAW!" he snarled.

Lupin, shrugging, drew a straw, but held it tightly in his closed fist, and looked Snape in the eyes, smiling.

Snape, realizing that Lupin wasn't going to show his straw until he, Snape, drew one, snarled, but snatched at a straw. He also kept his straw hidden in his fist.

Dumbledore, saw the challenge happening before him and sighed, and rolled his eyes. He held up the one remaining straw.

Dumbledore said, "Ah... A long straw."

He looked satisfied, and turned an amused gaze to Snape and Lupin, both staring with dread at their own closed fists.

"Gentlemen? Which of you is this year's Sex Education instructor?" His blue eyes twinkled over his half-moon spectacles.

Lupin and Snape locked gazes. Both were praying intently to whatever gods were listening that the other held the short straw.

Lupin said, hesitantly, "On the count of three, then, Severus?" Snape nodded curtly.

Lupin said, "One..."

"Two..." Snape snarled.

Lupin & Snape, together, said, "THREE..." They both opened their fists, looking down into them.

Lupin looked up with a grin slowly spreading across his features, and caught Snape's eye. Snape's face, on the other hand, showed dawning horror.

Lupin said, lightly, "Looks as if I shan't be the one to teach all the children about sex this year, Severus!" He tried, albeit not too hard, to keep from crowing triumphantly.

With a nasty snarl, Snape hurled his straw, the short one, into the fireplace. He felt the panic rising, and the dread setting in. Unreasonably, he hated Lupin even more, for having drawn a long straw.

Snape finally looked up at everyone, his face completely blank save for his trademark sneer.

"Very well! Nobody... but NOBDOY... had better blame ME when those hideous brats run crying from my classroom. I will have ABSOLUTELY NO MERCY. NONE!"

With that, and with his usual flourish of black robes, he whirled and stormed out of the Staff Lounge. It turned out to be two-and-a-half more days ЧЧ not until the Welcoming Feast that began the school year ЧЧ before Snape was seen to emerge from his dungeons again. And, even then... it was noticed by many of the returning students that Professor Snape was indeed in the worst mood they'd ever, ever seen, and they wondered why ... but not for long.

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